Is that true?

self-talk & self-compassion

I didn’t sleep well Tuesday night. I was restless and awake on and off, telling myself stories about work worries and a medical appointment the next morning. The appointment went okay and certainly wasn’t cause to lose sleep. The work issues, when considered in the light of day, also weren’t as urgent as my ruminating mind had me believe.

especially in the depths of a gloomy and cold winter, it can be hard to believe that the sun will shine again and the flowers will bloom again

Recently I wrote about the importance of stories in “The gift of stories.” Stories are powerful and helpful. They connect us to each other.

It’s also true that stories can be problematic when we tell ourselves things that are distorted, inaccurate, or just plain untrue.

I wrote about that on my blog a couple of years ago. See “Is that true?”

In the post, I said:

Our minds often play tricks on us, don't they? They make up stories. Stories that often aren't true. We are NOT our thoughts.

I’ve developed a habit of asking myself - when I think something negative or discouraging about my situation or about myself - "Is that true?” Often, it’s not.

Just this week, I listened to a guided meditation in which the teacher Leslie Booker said, “Challenge your inner narrative.”

Yes. That’s so important. A good reminder.

What am I saying to myself? Is that true?

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Do you remember the acronym THINK? I heard about it when my kids were young and posted it on our refrigerator.

T - Is it true?

H - Is it helpful?

I - Is it inspiring?

N - Is it necessary?

K - Is is kind?

I couldn’t find a clear source for the acronym. A quick google search attributes the concept to Buddha, Socrates, and numerous other people.

Here’s one quote that came up repeatedly:

Before you speak ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, is kind, is necessary, is helpful. If the answer is no, maybe what you are about to say should be left unsaid.

~ Bernard Meltzer

Regardless of the origin, this is such a compelling idea. Both for how we talk to others, and also for how we talk to OURSELVES.

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Research has shown that the negativity bias is real. Check out this article, “What Is Negativity Bias, and How Does It Affect You?” for more information.

We humans have a tendency to give more importance to negative experiences than to positive or neutral experiences. This is called the negativity bias.

We even tend to focus on the negative even when the negative experiences are insignificant or inconsequential.

~ Healthline

We also tend to talk to ourselves more harshly than we would talk to a friend. The research of Dr. Kristen Neff and Dr. Christopher Germer has yielded a lot of important and useful information about self-compassion.

From their website:

Self-compassion is simply the process of turning compassion inward.  We are kind and understanding rather than harshly self-critical when we fail, make mistakes or feel inadequate.  We give ourselves support and encouragement rather than being cold and judgmental when challenges and difficulty arise in our lives. Research indicates that self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience we have available to us, radically improving our mental and physical wellbeing.

As is often the case, I’m writing what I need to hear. In my opinion, redundancy is key in overcoming old patterns of thinking. I hope this message is helpful to you too.

***

As for restless nights, I find these practices to be helpful:

• I ask myself “Is that true?”

• I practice self-compassion by recognizing my tendency to get caught up in negative thoughts and not berating myself for that tendency. I try not to be hard on myself about my inability to sleep.

• I repeat helpful phrases or mantras.

• I focus on my breath.

• Sometimes, I get up and write about it all in my journal.

***

May we challenge the false stories we tell ourselves.

May we give ourselves the compassion we show to others.

Thanks for reading!

With gratitude,

Mary