I composed the first draft of this poem when I was falling asleep. Inspiration isn’t always convenient. Ideas, sentences, and snippets spark while falling asleep, on a walk, in the shower, at work, or driving. If possible, I make a quick note in my journal, on the calendar, or on the notes app. If not, I hope I’ll remember. Sometimes I repeat the words them, revising in my mind as I go.
This isn’t, therefore, exactly the poem I composed Wednesday night. It’s the words I wrote in my journal Thursday morning. Just like us, just like always, the poem changed, and became what it is, for now. It may have another version, another iteration. We’ll see.
*****
lately I’ve been crying
tears, tears. not
necessarily sad or happy
but shedding, letting go.
i’m shedding and growing,
letting go of versions
of my self that no longer
exist or serve, of past selves,
of shame and blame,
of what others thought,
which is not my own.
what remains is
stripped down solid
that i know, this is me.
I’m mourning, grieving
pruning, leaving
what was, what could have
been, what should
have been. what might or
might not still be.
“i am who i say i am” ***
not what others want me
to be. i am singular and
embodied, the me that is me,
bodacious, audacious,
spacious, gracious.
the last few years tried
to knock me down. You too?
layers have come undone,
shed, rearranged, or let go.
do you know? you know.
it’s time to grow and
flow and show.
i’m me. how i want to be.
free. free. free.
*****
Now more than ever, there is so much information. So many people, places, things, ideas, influences wanting to capture our attention. Whether we label these claims on our attention as good, bad, or indifferent - we need to know that anything we give our attention to, shapes our world in some way. The past and the future also claim our attention in ways that often aren’t helpful or healthy.
Where do we put our attention? Our time? Our very lives? How does this influence who we are and will be?
To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
*****
Writing is a solitary experience, which is part of why I love it. And I also really enjoy the dialogue that can happen on this platform. Please feel free to like, comment, and share.
With gratitude,
Mary
P.S. ****I read on Instagram that this is a line from Rachel Cargle’s new book A Renaissance of Our Own: A Memoir and Manifesto on Reimaging, and it stuck with me. I haven’t read the book yet, but it’s on my list. I’ve followed her Instagram account for a few years.
Thank you for this reminder about the art of becoming, of creating ... creating and becoming the person I want to be.
I have a teacher who says "our actions are our true belongings." And there is the popular quote from Annie Dillard, "How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our life." And then there is Mary Oliver's poem The Summer Day with the quote "What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Placing my attention intentionally seems to be one the most valuable things I can do. Whatever I choose to do, however I spend my days, whatever my actions are in the world, I hope to conduct myself with gentle kindness and utmost compassion.