Showing up

community, mutuality, presence

It’s been a couple of weeks since I posted here.

Note that I started this draft about “showing up” during the last week of October. As the past two weeks unfolded, the concept of “showing up” kept popping up for me in unexpected ways and taking on new meanings too.

Everything is evolving. Always.

People “show up” or not in various ways. I don’t have the capacity to address all the ways, so I’ll just make a start.

People can show up for each other.

Showing up can mean being present physically, although that isn’t always enough. If people show up physically but not emotionally, something might be lacking. We can be in a crowded room and still feel lonely, if we’re not emotionally connected to any of the people there.

Showing up for each other has a quality of mutuality. That doesn’t mean reciprocity or equality. Mutuality means that everyone gets what they need, which undoubtedly will be different for each person. Sameness is not the answer. Teachers (definitely) and parents (likely) have used the phrase -”fair doesn’t mean the same.”

Mutuality is lacking if people aren’t checking in and/or initiating contact with each other. Most of us have had the experience of being in a friendship in which we’re always the one to reach out and make plans. We have to decide if that works for us or not. Maybe the friend is going through something for a time or is unusually busy. Maybe we're willing to do the heavy lifting. Maybe not.

Showing up means listening to and seeing people. Have you ever been with someone who’s trying to overhear every conversation in the room or form their own response rather than listen to you? That person is not “showing up” for anyone but themselves. They’re serving their own interests by trying to be “in” with everyone (by people-pleasing) or by thinking about what they’re going to say next.

Which leads me to how we show up for ourselves.

People can show up for themselves.

Showing up for ourselves means being authentic.

(I had trouble linking directly to the graphic above. You can its creator, James McCrae on Instagram.)

We show up for ourselves by living fully as ourselves. Sure, we all have bits that we keep private or share with very few people. Also, there are times and places for different types of sharing. Being authentic is NOT about saying whatever’s on your mind or “having no filter.”

It’s about being true to yourself.

If a person is constantly conforming the way they show up in order to appease or please others, that is the opposite of authenticity.

I’ve been thinking of that a lot this week in the aftermath of the election. I even wrote a bit about it on social media, and it seemed to resonate with many.

Social media, by the way, can be another way to show up. People can find comfort, community, and connection in digital spaces. However, in online spaces, it’s much easier for people to not show up as their authentic selves. They can present themselves however they chose through carefully curated content. They can say things they wouldn’t speak in a face-to-face conversation due to distance or anonymity. They can also use connection on social media as an excuse to not reach out in real life.

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In synchronicity with my musings on showing up, I recently listed to a relevant talk on the Ten Percent Happier Podcast. The guest was Rabbi Sharon Brous, who wrote The Amen Affect: Ancient Wisdom to Mend Our Broken Hearts and World.

The episode is: If You’re Stressed, Anxious, Or Depressed, This is Your Counterintuitive Medicine.

I’m hoping to listen to the episode again, and maybe you’ll check it out too. In the meantime, here are a few quote/snippets I copied down from Rabbi Sharon Brous.

So how do we get good at this? How do we shift the dynamic? We have to practice showing up for each other. And I think that this requires a kind of mindset shift in which our default moves from retreat to engagement…

Also I think that part of what we have to do is we have to change our idea of what we’re trying to do when we encounter the other, especially in difficult moments. We have this kind of American fix-it mentality that our work is to, if something’s broken, to repair it. What we actually need to do is just be present to the brokenness.

Who will weep with you throughout the course of the darkness until the new dawn emerges. And so we can shift our mindset from one in which we’re trying to fix each other and repair what’s broken, to one in which we’re just trying to bear witness…

We’re just trying to sit with one another in their pain, to understand that suffering is very much a part of life and that, that intensity of human presence and connection can actually help us survive …chapters of darkness and loss. Witnessing each other’s sorrow and not running away from it as a path toward, eventually, toward healing of the self and the other.

~Rabbi Sharon Brous

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May we show up for each other with care and compassion.

May we show up for ourselves with care and compassion.

With gratitude,

Mary

P.S. A reminder that you can also find me on social media. As mentioned above, this week I shared a post-election post that resonated with many. If interested, you can find it at the links below.

Facebook

Instagram

TikTok