The post I wrote last week - “Labels and roles: moving beyond limits” - felt almost effortless, as I’d been mulling the topic throughout the week. The ideas resonated with me. However, I didn’t get much interaction on Substack or on social media. I can assume people aren’t reading it or aren’t connecting with the topic. The likelier explanations are that people are busy and don’t have time to read it or are reading and not interacting. Either way, it’s all good.
I write about my own experiences and thoughts, because I find it a helpful thing to do to live a more examined life. Noticing. Noticing the “living authentically and fully through both the magical moments and the messy ones. All of it. And everything in between.” I don’t do it for likes and comments, although I hope that my words will resonate with others. And they often do. At the same time, we are human. It can be daunting to put ourselves and our ideas out into the world.
Last Sunday night a family member texted, “Just read your newsletter - love it! It resonated with me on a lot of topics…just because you’re labeled as something doesn’t mean you can’t do it, and vice versa.” On Monday, a friend sent me an email saying how much she loved this one and referred to “waves of love” in my pen. On Tuesday, another friend sent me a sweet message via Instagram. It meant a lot to me, as we haven’t been in touch much lately. And in our back-and-forth messaging, she said she’d been enjoying these posts too.
You never know.
We *think* we know.
You know that phrase - “Never ASSUME - it makes and ASS out of U and ME.”
I was reminded of the book The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by don Miguel Ruiz.
The Four Agreements are:
Be Impeccable With Your Word.
Don’t Take Anything Personally.
Don’t Make Assumptions.
Always Do Your Best.
These may seem like simple ways to be, and yet it’s not easy to stay true to these four agreements in our chaotic and competitive and materialistic world. For me, these are aspirational goals. I often fall short and get caught up in old patterns, resentments, and assumptions. I continue to revisit the book, which I’ve read a few times, and its themes. I strive to develop awareness and practice around the four agreements.
***
Perhaps on the flip side of assumptions, I was thinking of admiration. I recently saw the quote below (attributed to Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie). I’m not sure if it’s from one of her books and couldn’t find the exact source, to be honest. The sentiment is a good one for sure.
“Never admire quietly. If I admire something about someone, I tell them. We humans are so fragile. It’s important we give people their flowers while they are still here. Never admire quietly.”
~ Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
This, too, is a practice. Many of us are of generations and environments where sharing of feelings and compliments and admiration were not particularly encouraged. It was a different era, I think, in which cultural and religious traditions were oriented toward more austerity in communication and expression.
I’m not referring to a “good job” for every step a person takes. I’m also not referring to admiration that’s focused on societal norms around physical beauty or traditional ideas about “success” (like attainment of awards, possessions, wealth). Although certainly those may be cause for admiration for some or in certain situations.
And also - there’s so much goodness and inner beauty to notice in people. For example, the friend I referenced above who said “waves of love” in my pen. She has a consistently kind, thoughtful, and warm spirit. Undoubtedly I’m a better person for knowing her. Or some people I met on Saturday, working in urban gardens. They spend countless hours mentoring underserved youth in Milwaukee’s most disadvantaged zip code (with some of the highest rates of poverty and incarceration and some of the lowest health outcomes). Every Saturday, all summer long - they’ll be there. Or the person at the local bike shop, who offered kind customer service this afternoon. Or…how about all my teacher friends or others working in education who are just wrapping up a challenging school year!?!? Thanks and admiration all around!
From kind words to helpful service to impactful and committed action, there’s so much to admire. It could be someone’s loving devotion to their family or their garden or their animals.
I’m not going to try to think of all the examples.
I am going to try to assume less and admire more.
It may take some effort and practice.
Will you join me in trying?
May we admire others more loudly.
May we tell people how we love and admire their goodness and inner beauty.
May we give people their flowers.
Thanks for reading!
With gratitude,
Mary
Well, readers, I've learned something new today. Occasionally, I copy the "buttons" from previous posts into the new post. I thought it was a shortcut but didn't realize that if someone comments from the email, the comment then ends up on that previous post (that I copied the button from). Actually, this happens with sharing too. A friend brought this to my attention last week, and I couldn't figure it out. And then today, it dawned on me that copying those buttons means the links (in the emails) are going to those old posts! It makes sense. The links within the post on the website still link to the current post. Oops! Mistakes are opportunities for new learning. :)
Wonderful post, Mary! I’m inspired to join you in admiring people more--while they’re still here! Thank you for your writing.