Expectations

alignment & awareness

Ah, the sweet expectation - and promise - of spring blooms!

The week before last, I’d been working on a post about expectations, with a goal of publishing it on Mother’s Day. The post became really long and veered in multiple directions. And I couldn’t quite find my way.

I decided to let my thoughts on expectations guide my own expectations for myself. My goal is to stay consistent with publishing my newsletter every week. Sometimes rules (expectations) can be broken, and that’s the beauty of discernment and alignment. I skipped the newsletter last week.

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Part of the thread I’d been exploring was about how expectations - both external and internal - can disrupt caring and connection. Because it was around Mother’s Day, I was thinking about how mothers are often weighed down by a range of cultural or societal or familial or self-inflicted expectations. Seven years ago, I wrote a poem about embracing the realities of motherhood and letting go of (some of) the expectations. It’s on my blog at “all you mommas.”

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In writing group, a couple of years ago, I wrote another poem based on the prompt “old wives tales.” It was a list of the many misguided expectations - like “you can hold a baby too much” or “getting sick is a weakness” or “there’s only one way to fold towels.” It’s maybe a silly poem, yes, and it definitely resonated with the women in my group.

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This morning I met a neighbor outside. We hadn’t seen each other for several weeks and had lots to talk about. Since I only planned to pop outside for a minute, I hadn’t put on sunscreen. I told my neighbor that I needed to move into the shade, as I’ve recently had two biopsies positive for basal cell carcinoma. I had procedures to deal with two previous diagnoses of basal cell carcinoma just a year ago. My neighbor expressed concern. Her brother recently had treatment for a couple of these as well.

Contrast this with another person in my life, who - when told of the results of my biopsies - said, “Well, it’s not really cancer, is it?” An odd response. It’s true that basal cell carcinoma is not a serious condition. But it is a very slow growing type of skin cancer, and it definitely needs to be treated. By the way, I wasn’t making a big deal about this diagnosis. I understand it’s not that serious. I just happened to hear back from my dermatologist that day and included it in conversation. It won’t surprise you to find that I rarely tell this person much of what’s happening in my life. I’ve adjusted my expectations of that relationship.

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When someone tells us a thing - anything - we can just acknowledge it. Not every conversation is a comparison or a competition or a debate. Someone had a bad day at work or didn’t sleep well last night or has to get a root canal or take their car in for a major repair. “That sucks” or “That’s tough” or “Oh no” or “I’m sorry.” Likewise when someone shares good news. They got a promotion or their kid graduated from college or they had a fun trip or went to an entertaining show. “That’s great” or “I’m proud of you” or “Wonderful” or “I’m happy for you.”

I find I no longer have much energy for people who want to relate everything back to themselves or “devil’s advocate” or contradict or downplay every point. I’m grateful to be surrounded mostly by people who seek connection and compassion and mutual understanding and reciprocity.

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If we expect certain things from an experience or a relationship or a situation, that aren’t going to be - that's frustrating. We definitely can’t change another person, and we sometimes can’t change a situation either. So then it comes down to changing expectations or changing situations altogether.

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May we find helpful ways to think of the various expectations in our lives.

Thanks for reading!

With gratitude,

Mary