On grief

A poem from the archives for Father's Day

Photo by Dennis Groom on Unsplash

The following is a poem I shared on my blog over six years ago. It’s hard to believe that my dad’s been gone from this earth for over twelve years. I miss his presence in so many ways.

When I posted this poem on my blog, it resonated with a lot of people who’d lost a parent. Whether you’ve lost a parent or another person close to you, each loss is different and people grieve in a variety of ways. We also grieve other kinds of losses throughout our lives - relationships, communities, jobs, status, etc. Ages and stages. The poem Metamorphosis, in my newsletter a few weeks ago, touches on the grief sometimes involved in change and healing.

I think the most important aspect of grief is being seen and named. It doesn’t do any good to pretend our losses aren’t real and painful. We feel comfort not from stale platitudes but from people who acknowledge and accompany us in our grief. Likewise we offer comfort when we see and be with others in theirs.

*****

When your dad dies

When your dad dies
People will ask you how old he was
As if that matters
Was it a long illness or unexpected
That doesn't matter either
They will say he is in a better place
You will find no comfort in that
You don't want him in a better place
You want him HERE.
When your dad dies
And you are talking about it to your friend
She will say something about
People having a hard time with death
And you will think, but not say
Yes, of course, I have a hard time with death
I just lost my dad
And I'm in so much pain.
When your dad dies
And you confide that you are
Going to miss him so much
A relative says
But how often did you really see him?
The answer is: all the time
But really it doesn't matter
If you saw him a lot or hardly ever
You will miss him.
When your dad dies,
People will hug you
And you'll cry together
That will be your siblings
And your favorite cousin
Or maybe even someone from work.
When your dad dies,
People will say they are sorry
And you will know that they are.
They will say that
they don't know what to say
That's okay too.
An acquaintance might say
Death sucks
That person understands.
Someone else will look away
And change the topic
She wasn't ready
For your vulnerability.
When your dad dies
It will hurt, it will ache
Your heart will be broken.
When your dad dies
The intensity of the pain
Will lessen with time
Or you couldn't survive it.
When your dad dies
You will always be
A different person
Afterward.
Because he is gone from
Here and now.
When your dad dies
You will remember
His love, his life, his spirit.
When your dad dies
It will be hard
It will stay hard
In many ways.
You will never stop missing him.
When your dad dies
He will live in your memory
In everything
That he taught you
That he showed you
In the person you have
Become.

*****

Thanks for reading.

With gratitude,

Mary